I swear, some times I wish I could alter my brain to do what I wanted. I know it in my heart that I enjoy software and it's the place for me, but my brain tells me, I don't want to do that right now. I've written so many apps, I've dedicated a substantial amount of time learning, but I just can't bring myself back to it. If your wondering what I'm talking about, there was a time when all I did was live and breath php / web development, it's all I would / could talk about. In my pursuit to learn more about php, I dove into linux / unix learning as much as I could. But today, generally speaking, when I digress, believe the reason I learned so much is because I was severely depressed, and thus put much of my energy into a hobby and learned as much about it at the time I could without seeking the knowledge via books, but rather through a process of trial and error. I always told myself that when I had the time, I'd eventually re-pursue the path and start working on more web apps. I guess you could say that my passion for web development was primarily in content management systems, which drove me to learn how to work with databases and SQL (Server Query Language).

Now that I have the time, I feel as though I'm looking for something to re-inspire, to ignite and old passion to learn and get back into software. I wonder what type of person I was when I was so focused and then it dawned on me that I was a pretty miserable person back then. Granted, probably a more creative one, a more driven one, but an all out miserable person since all I thought about was programming. As of late, my passion seems to be more so in politics, but I'm not good at debate, nor do I come off as an outgoing / personable person. So, I guess only time will tell where life leads me. There is one thing I do know, that that is my life will lead me to something IT / technical in nature, and something that I'm passionate about.

Ever have one of those days where you were somewhat upbeat and then suddenly you decide to do something 'upbeat', then suddenly once again, you lose that enthusiasm to do something useful ? I swear, my entire life seems to be short periods of motivation with a gravitation pull to piss it all away within moments of inspiration.

If you know of me or actually know me you will have learned that I'm a computer science major. Thing about us software nerds is we have so many moments of inspiration it's hard to figure out what we should pursue as a goal. I mean there are so many things I could get into, but I just lack that essential inspiration to tackle problems.

I guess a lot of it also comes down to my study ethic as well. I mean I do fairly decent in school considering I got an 88/B+ on my last Calculus 2 exam, but I never put in that 100% effort to anything. I always balance off this idea that I could always be doing something else. Pragmaticizing the goal at hand, that inspirational moment of beauty, then smashing it with a lead fist because I suddenly lose interest or focus.

If anyone actually will see this, how have you attempted to overcome your pragmastizicing (is that even a word?). I don't know if it is that I procrastinate, or pragmastizicing (I guess this word is invented as to say are you being pragmatic about what your spending your time on). I guess when I think about why I do this, I think of the old saying, don't work hard; think smart. So I’m always looking around trying to think what is useful and what I should work on that won't cause me to give up 10 minutes after I start.

I'm thinking about whether or not I shall move my site over to a system called drupal which is quite frankly far more powerful than my Content Management System that I'm currently employing on my site; even though I do have a project in the works, but who knows when I will actually attempt to work on it again. I have been getting pretty bored online these days, but some cheering up is underway, supposedly, I'm going to be coming in to possession of a new laptop -supposedly. Not only have I gotten rather board online, but I have started to listen to more classical composition and modern composition primarily being Japanese composers. Send me an instant message and I will be delighted to hook those who are willing to open their minds up to some really good music.

This Article is so darn inspirering. I must list this quote

The difference between a tolerable programmer and a great programmer is not how many programming languages they know, and it's not whether they prefer Python or Java. It's whether they can communicate their ideas. By persuading other people, they get leverage. By writing clear comments and technical specs, they let other programmers understand their code, which means other programmers can use and work with their code instead of rewriting it. Absent this, their code is worthless. By writing clear technical documentation for end users, they allow people to figure out what their code is supposed to do, which is the only way those users can see the value in their code. After reading that article, i felt awesome about myself, especially since i've been complimented on my source for this cms on multiple occations. Not only that, but i would like to think i have somewhat of an ability to communicate my ideas to other people. Some, unfortunately, those being (you know who you are) the ones writing software with 2 character variable names, you know who i'm talking about. Well, this article puts you to shame :P

I was thinking about all this stuff i wanted to do before i got on x-mas break till the beginning of my next semester and i feel completely hollow in the head. It is either my diet or i'm just not cut out for the task, but i think a lot of it has to do with what i eat. They say, you are what you eat, and that holds a lot of validity. I eat a lot of fatty foods, so i feel often very sluggish, not very energetic, mentally lathargic, and have a hard time focusing. But then again, when you don't have a lot of money, and your chicken sucks, you can't exactly cook up world class food, or maybe i'm just bad at improvisation. Anywho, i'm working on an rss feed php5 script which i can hopefully finish one of these days heh :)